Bizarre Situation
Journal Entry: Wed Apr 30, 2008, 12:36 PM
I've decided I'm taking a day off tomorrow and Friday. Here's one of the unpleasant experiences that contributed to the making of that decision. This one involves a security guard and me resorting to violence.
I will refer to myself as Jocelyn and the other girl as Jane. Keep in mind that neither of us know each other very well. Some of her remarks about me are incorrect.
Jane and I set up a plan to meet after I visited with my therapist. We would walk together to where we both needed to go next. I was surprised when I walked out of the building and Jane asked "So what did you talk about?" I replied. "I don't want to talk about it."
Jane continued speaking about psychological stuff, seemingly picking something relevant to the subject to pursue a conversation. I don't think she understood the similarity between therapy and deep emotional discussions. The fact that I don't communicate well doesn't help.
After a minute into talking, Jane said she wanted to comment on my behavior. "I notice that you seem to talk only through your own perspective, as though you don't understand what other people are going through." I cut her off and said, "Yeah, I'm self-centered. I've heard this before." Jane persisted, saying I needed to listen because "This is what I'm talking about." She explained that she doesn't label people. Her description of labeling was no different from that of nouns and adjectives used right before 'You are...' Hence, instead of saying 'You are self-centered', she said "You need to be more empathetic and more appreciative. -insert example of something I previously did to disregard someone-" I caught on to the rewording then and there. She also said "I was abandoned too. I'm older than than you, so I know exactly what you're going through, Jocelyn. And let me tell you, parents are going to want you to be a certain way... "
A few minutes later, Jane was talking about me not appreciating my grandparents and said something along the lines of "What if I just decided to leave you here? And Kathie didn't come for you? If everyone abandoned you and you had to make it on your own. That's what happened to me. I want you to imagine what that would be like, Jocelyn!" I turned around and yelled "That's it! I'm done with this! You can be on your own." And I walked away. She said to stop and asked where I was going. I didn't stop. I didn't need to be walking with her, anyway. I said "I'm taking a walk." She followed me. She grabbed me by the arm. I panicked and became aggressive. I told her to get away. She said "No." in a stern voice and I would reply with "Let go." in that threatening tone. We went back and fourth with those two words rather lamely. I realized how pointless the 'conversation' was and stopped. A stranger came and helped Jane. They must have thought I was out of control and would walk into traffic. I said I wanted to to take a walk, though. I was certainly not suicidal nor incapable of getting around.
Jane told me to give her the cellphone. I rationalized after a minute and handed her the phone. She called my grandma. I walked away into a parking lot. Jane followed me. I raised my cane horizontally and threatened to hit her if she didn't leave me alone. I kept walking, but threatened her again when she continued to follow. This time when she refused to stop, I swatted it at her. She said "You can hit me, but I'm not going to leave you alone." She continued to talk about psychological jargon.
At one point or multiple times, I told Jane that I needed to be alone. She said she needed to be watching me. I told her she's not my mom. I threatened Jane once more with the words, "I swear I'll hit you if you don't leave me alone!" A security guard showed up. She was one of those rent-a-cops, or whatever they're called. I was hysterical. Jane looked calmer, so the security guard apparently assumed she was of sounder mind. The security guard asked me what was going on. I basically told her that Jane wouldn't leave me alone. Jane explained that she was supposed to be watching me. She went into detail about my personal issues. "She was abandoned by her mom and now her mom is living with us. Yeah, so she's like 'What are you doing in my life again?' and trying to push everyone away." Jane also mentioned that my grandma was on her way. I didn't speak much.
The security guard decided that she was afraid to separate us. Jane continued to talk to me about psychological issues while the security guard watched. I couldn't believe this was lawful and still yearned for some alone time to mull things over. At one point, I tried to respond to Jane. She said "You can't just avoid this, Jocelyn. You need to talk about it." I said "I need SPACE so I can think. Is a few MINUTES so much to ask?!" She replied by saying it's dangerous to get too deep into thought and I didn't want to get trapped there.
At one point while Jane was still talking, I looked from her to the security guard. I realized how strange my situation was and started laughing uncontrollably. Jane commented on my laughter with something irrelevant and the security guard looked all serious. I laughed harder. I can see why the security guard thought I was a nutcase. She looked at me with crossed arms and asked if I knew what they did to people who were a threat to themselves or others. I said, "Yes, I've been to the hospital." She didn't seem to believe me and continued. She either used terms I didn't understand or words I wasn't hearing, so I didn't respond anymore after that.
My grandma arrived and the torment ended there.
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